Ok now this post is going to be stripped right back, completely raw and no holds barred, whatever that actually means 🤷♀️
I’m going to talk personal appearance – outside appearance that is. This might lose me followers, but I really hope it won’t. I also actually hope that no one I know reads this. Because I feel it makes me feel vulnerable.
So I have a birthmark, I have had it my whole life.
Looking back though, it is far far less noticeable now than it was when I was a child.
I was born as a really pretty baby, but when I was a few weeks old a type of birthmark became apparent. A strawberry naevus. Now if you don’t know what that is, it is a collection of blood cells that creates a strawberry like – red – mark. They can be hereditary, my youngest son had one on his chest that has now faded. Well anyway this strawberry naevus was, of all the places to get one, on my eyebrow and it was rather large. It drooped down over my eye, causing a lazy eye and actually me not being able to see out of my right eye very much. So I was one of those kids who had to wear a patch over their eye. Added to that the fact that I nearly died when I had my measles injection – it caused me to have convulsions and walk with my feet turned inwards, I probably wasn’t the sportiest looking child! So I was that child, when I was little, that didn’t look the sparkiest and not one of those popular kids that everyone wants on their team in PE!! I have always got by though 😀
Not looking the perfect person can really have its drawbacks – but only where other people are involved.
Even when at secondary school I did get kids asking me stupid questions…even though my so called best friend ganged up with another girl and used to call me nasty names, thinking I wouldn’t notice. Even at my first school other kids used to call me names that you can’t even imagine. Even when as an adult and even as when I was about 30, an
idiot next door neighbour called me a freak. But do you know what? I think those people are the ones with the problem – not me, because I always get by and actually I know that underneath I am a beautiful person.
So what does this mean to me now? Well apart from the fact I don’t feel that I look particularly pretty, my eyebrows are uneven – one is higher than the other, my eyesight is pretty shit in my right eye because the muscles didn’t develop properly, I have a little bump on my eyebrow and I have broken veins on my nose – it’s all ok. I will be honest, most the time I don’t think about it, although I feel that is part the reason I am not an ‘out there and in your face’ type of person. Although I get that I would never win Miss World! Is that still a thing? Actually, and this is pretty amazing, I actually won a beauty contest once!! Unbelievable huh! I won ‘Miss Hemsby Beach’ when I was about 25 – I still have the trophy somewhere 🏆 All I can say is, it must have gone on personality because there were some real stunners in that competition. I only entered because my sister-in-law did too and we thought it would be a laugh. Ironically the day we returned from that holiday with my babies aged 3 and a half and 14 months old, my husband left to go to the shops and never returned. I found out later it was because he was seeing someone behind my back who was about 5 years younger than me. Was I jealous? Absolutely not! I just felt for my little ones who had been abandoned. Me? Well I just coped, because that’s what I had to do as sole carer of two beautiful boys, who absolutely did not deserve that.
I do feel self-conscious, I HATE seeing myself in photos and I am sometimes worried what people think about me. I think some people take the piss out of me behind my back and it sometimes makes me feel anxious. When I don’t get included in things, I sometimes think it’s because people would be embarrassed to be seen with me. Happily though I know that most people aren’t that shallow and I know that people who are like that really aren’t worth MY time of day. I know I am lucky enough to have some genuine friends and I am grateful for them.
I think it’s tougher nowadays with social media waving around images of beautiful perfect looking people and there is so much pressure on younger people – particularly teens and pre-teens to look perfect – because so many people portray the image of perfection.
I also think that I am really overly critical of myself sometimes, as generally the first thing I see when I look in the mirror is my smile. I don’t notice my strawberry naevus, not really, I just see it more when I look in photos – which is why I don’t really like having photos taken. I’m hoping that it’s not that noticeable in actual ‘real life’ and just notices more in a flat image.
So anyway my point of this post is that, yes I know I may look a bit different, and actually it’s really hard work sometimes feeling that people may look at me in a judgemental and critical way, and it’s quite upsetting, and yes I do take it personally BUT I know that I am a really kind person. I know that I would NEVER judge someone on their appearance. I know that I would NEVER judge anyone on a physical or emotional disability. I know that I would never knowingly do anything to hurt someones feelings, I know that the most important thing is someone’s personality. It really is someone’s heart and soul that is the core to their being, not how they look. So I am me and this is who I am. I just feel a little self-conscious and I wish I was more confident and didn’t care. Maybe I’ll get there one day – I really truly hope so 😀
So if you ever see someone that has something slightly different about them, or has a disability, or a birthmark or disfigurement, PLEASE don’t stare or judge or treat them differently. It’s hard enough as it is if you feel self-conscious about yourself without knowing that others may be judging too.
At the end of the day, the skin we are in, is just a shell and shells are beautiful right? Even if they do have imperfections!
It’s what’s inside that counts, that’s what is important and that should be the only thing that matters, although I am absolutely confident that anyone reading this, will realise and appreciate that.
Thanks for reading x