This is Me

It’s Saturday morning and I’m sat here in my fluffy pink dressing gown, cosy and warm, after making myself a perfect cup of tea. I love times like this. The house is silent, I haven’t even got the radio on at the moment, although that will change shortly I’m sure. I love the sound of music through the house. I love the fact that you can choose so easily the genre of music that you fancy listening to, depending on your mood or even what you’re going to do at the time.

Anyway so this probably won’t be a very long post. Famous last words – I say, or at least think, that quite often don’t I?

What I wanted to chat about this morning is this. Realisation has dawned on me that alcohol has masked my personality to some extent, for most of my life. When I have had a few drinks I am the life and soul of the party, I’ll be up there dancing with the best of them. If there is a microphone I’ll want to sing in it. I will make sure I get to the bar just as last orders are called. You can be sure that I will always make sure there is a drink in my glass. At a party I will keep going and keep going for as long as I can until it’s time to go home – and then I won’t want to go. I would have the confidence to go and chat to people and instigate conversations without feeling awkward.

So what now wine isn’t there to be my crutch on a night out? What now I’ve got Christmas parties and Christmas itself coming up? My first in about twenty five years without free flowing bubbly.

I had my work Christmas do the other night which I was looking forward to. I’m so fortunate that the people I work with are really friendly and have been so welcoming of me, considering I’ve only been there about three and a half months. I feel really settled and comfortable with most of the people there. I think it says something special about an establishment when, as far as I know, everyone gets on with each other, don’t you think?

Well anyway when it came to the night itself I spent ages getting ready, wore a gorgeous new dress, curled my hair, did my make up nicely. It was fab to get dressed up because for work we all wear a uniform and jeans so how lovely it felt to ‘glam up.’ Making an effort with my appearance helps me to feel more confident for some reason, I think that’s probably quite normal actually. I got compliments on how I looked – I gave loads back too! So all in all I felt pretty good about myself. Oh I forgot to mention that I drove myself there (and had never been there before) and actually had to walk into the hotel and find the room they were all in and walk into a group of people who were well established in groups and conversations so that was a win in itself!!

We ate our food and this put into perspective how slowly I eat – I was still eating while they were all waiting to open their secret Santa presents, oops! So anyway I got some really cute flower earrings for my pressie, it was nice too because I got them from a really lovely girl who has been one of the most friendly towards me since I started. I know that because she came up to me to see if I liked them – so not so secret Santa!

During the evening though I do feel I let myself down, in hindsight. The aspect of the evening that I am annoyed with myself about is the fact that I stayed at the same table just chatting to the people that came and went on that table and didn’t circulate. I also didn’t get up and dance, which was just stupid. That’s what I’m beating myself up about. If I analyse it, it’s almost like I didn’t let myself enjoy myself as much as I could have. Does that make sense?

So I have realised – this is me. I’m not the life and soul of the party. When I haven’t had a drink, especially when I’m in the company of people I don’t know that well, I feel shy, insecure and awkward. So I reckon that means that I’ve got some work to do on myself. Don’t get me wrong, when I’m with people who I know well and feel really comfortable with, like family, then it makes no difference whether I’ve had a drink or not, that’s different. It’s just social situations when I’m not in my comfort zone. So I need to work on my own mindset and to try and make myself a little bit more confident somehow…

It is quite tough when you realise that you need to make changes but changes are all part of growth and strength and life and how we evolve as humans. So even if it’s little steps then that’s ok!

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