Spiralling up and down

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I might not post this or maybe I’ll post it and then keep it private but I just feel like I need to get something off my chest, have a bit of a rant if you like, or actually just talk something through so I can get my own head round it. So if you are happy to listen (read) then I would love you to make yourself comfortable, join me for a cup of tea if you like and comment if you want to.

The last few days I haven’t been feeling very good about myself. I’m a bit annoyed with myself about this because it usually takes a lot to stress me  out and even more to beat me. I think it’s a combination of things really, but a couple of days ago I thought I can completely understand why someone would make the decision to leave it all behind and just want to run away.  For a few moments over the last couple of weeks I have had those thoughts in my head and had to talk myself out of it.  I know I am really lucky as I still have a rational way of thinking so when I had that fight or flight feeling, fortunately I was able to calm it down and rationalise the feelings I was having.

Feeling under a lot of pressure is the worst feeling.  Well for me, one time for example this happened – I felt completely stressed out by something I had to do, within a certain amount of time.  It’s something that I can do, I am completely capable of doing and understand it completely.  However, other things happened that messed up my timetable,  I had a stumbling block and the more I tried, the more pressure I felt under and the more overwhelmed my brain felt.  My stupid brain went into overdrive, I got cross with myself, told myself I was incompetent but muddled my way through because I had to. My brain hurt and felt like it could have easily exploded.  I could have cried but I didn’t because collapsing into a heap and letting it get the better of me wouldn’t have achieved anything, thus I put myself under even more pressure and made myself feel like shit.

Don’t get me wrong, I am usually a really positive person, I treat setbacks as learning curves and I don’t let things beat me.  Is this a good thing or a bad thing? Now I’m questioning myself and I don’t really know.

This post might not be making much sense, it really is a bit of a waffle and a jumble but that’s how I’m feeling at the moment.  I’ve got lots of questions and feelings spinning round in my head and I’m trying to make sense of things.  It’s annoying more than anything.   There are a few little things that other people have done that are niggling me, but I can’t let other people’s negative behaviour affect my life.  It’s not fair and it’s a waste of my time letting them influence my normal happy thoughts.

I think this is probably partly down to a period of adjustment.  Perhaps I am feeling vulnerable because I’ve had a major change in my life recently, ie a new job/change of career.  I’ve also stopped going to the gym, which has had a negative impact on me.  I’ve put weight on and I don’t feel as fit and as toned as I was before.  I’ve been getting home late from work so can’t really be bothered to cook so I’ve been eating crap.  I guess that’s not helping either.  To be honest I can’t be bothered to go to the gym either but I want to because I know I will feel so much better if I do.  It’s just that initial, you know, effort involved in making the decision to go in the first place. I’m also questioning my ability to blog too.  I know numbers aren’t all the be all and end all about writing but I’ve only been getting one or two views a day on my blog.  So if that’s you – thank you! 🙏. Dear me I’m a bit of a Mrs Glum at the moment aren’t I? Sorry just thought while I’m offloading I might as well add that in too!

I’m happy around happy people but I feel vulnerable in a way that negative people are bringing me down at the moment.  So I need to try and keep being over the top positive and chirpy but that’s quite hard when I don’t get it returned.   There’s a shedload of other little niggles that I don’t really want to write about on here but I can fully understand how people can spiral down so they get to a point of not being able to bounce back up again.

Anyway, sorry for the negativity.  I’m going to post this but it might only stay on a couple of days and then I’ll save it as a private post.  It’s just I think, that no matter if you are the most resilient person in the whole world, there are still only so many negative things you can take without it bringing you down a bit.

Somehow I just need to seek that motivation to get back to a healthy way of living and I know it’ll be ok.  In fact I am sure I will be ok.  I need to give more time to the positive people in my life, the ones who care about me, and not give the negative and unkind ones the time of day if possible. I always treat obstacles as lessons.  I get better and stronger at things I struggle with and I have dealt with a lot of “obstacles” in my life so I’m sure things will be better in a few days.


  1. I’m not sure if a ‘chin up, keep looking forward’ comment is appropriate – if it is, take it. If not, I feel your pain. Sometimes the world does put us in a tailspin and it’s hard to shake off. I find I have to ‘pigeon-hole’ the negativity or it’ll always weigh me down. It’s positive today as I’ve finally started my new job – the bad news is that I don’t have a clue what I’m doing yet! But hey ho!

    Liked by 1 person

      1. It’s a step up – I’ve worked supporting care homes from a pharmacy angle for a few years, I’ve now switched to doing it through a local NHS capacity. I’ve a huge course to do that will keep me busy. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Fiona, don’t be too hard on yourself. I always find my depression and anxiety get a little dip around the change of the clocks and season, it does even out again though. Just focus on one thing at a time and spend your time with happy people xx

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Fiona! I’ve known you for a while now. And i know that you’re a strong, positive lady. We all have our bad days. They seem to overtake our mind and drown us in sorrow. Don’t worry everything will be sorted in its own time. I don’t want to he noesy by asking what the real problem is but I’m sure that you’re wise and your good spirit will set you free.
    Whenever you’ve got time take a walk into the countryside, stay there the whole morning/afternoon. Breath, think positive, what you’ve achieved up to now.
    You’ll see that every bad moment is a history. It will fade as every new day appears

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Aww thank you! I know I’ll be ok, I think I’m the sort of person who will take a lot but then I’m only human and some things pile up and get too much. I try and be positive. I’ve been overly happy today and it does rub off on other people. Those it doesn’t rub off on then I prefer not to be around that type of person. Thank you for your kind words and advice xx


  4. Hey Fiona,

    Keep that chin up. I don’t know much about what goes on behind the blog, personally, but from what I do follow along about you, I think you could be right. A new career can easily throw routine out the door, until we adjust. What caught my attention though is that you’re so self aware about all the subtleties. Thats a huge headstart for a good headspace. Like the gym, the weight, the food, the career. Often we get overwhelmed because we focus on these little details as opposed to accepting that it’s ok to address one thing at a time. Making a small change to a single meal, going for one walk, accepting work will readjust and fit back in, and being grateful for everything that is still keeping it all together. You’ll do just fine, I’ve seen your resilience over the last few months.

    And the last thing, surround and follow only positive, optimistic people. It’s easy to feel relatable when we follow similar people going through the same thing, but contrary, it’s often not ideal.

    Reach out if there is anything I can do more. You got this!


    Liked by 1 person

  5. I think it’s sometimes good to get things of your chest. So, if this is your avenue of escape, then it can only be good for you. I enjoyed reading this, but not in a sadistic way you understand. It’s comforting to know that problems we see as mundane are not actually mundane, but matter. BY the way, you write very well.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. You’re most welcome, I think you write from the heart and that’s a rare talent. I can tell you’ll be fine, I’m sure of it. I think you know innately that unloading in your blog will help you immensely. Don’t worry, the traffic will come your way because you have something to say that’s interesting and sincere 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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