I might not post this or maybe I’ll post it and then keep it private but I just feel like I need to get something off my chest, have a bit of a rant if you like, or actually just talk something through so I can get my own head round it. So if you are happy to listen (read) then I would love you to make yourself comfortable, join me for a cup of tea if you like and comment if you want to.
The last few days I haven’t been feeling very good about myself. I’m a bit annoyed with myself about this because it usually takes a lot to stress me out and even more to beat me. I think it’s a combination of things really, but a couple of days ago I thought I can completely understand why someone would make the decision to leave it all behind and just want to run away. For a few moments over the last couple of weeks I have had those thoughts in my head and had to talk myself out of it. I know I am really lucky as I still have a rational way of thinking so when I had that fight or flight feeling, fortunately I was able to calm it down and rationalise the feelings I was having.
Feeling under a lot of pressure is the worst feeling. Well for me, one time for example this happened – I felt completely stressed out by something I had to do, within a certain amount of time. It’s something that I can do, I am completely capable of doing and understand it completely. However, other things happened that messed up my timetable, I had a stumbling block and the more I tried, the more pressure I felt under and the more overwhelmed my brain felt. My stupid brain went into overdrive, I got cross with myself, told myself I was incompetent but muddled my way through because I had to. My brain hurt and felt like it could have easily exploded. I could have cried but I didn’t because collapsing into a heap and letting it get the better of me wouldn’t have achieved anything, thus I put myself under even more pressure and made myself feel like shit.
Don’t get me wrong, I am usually a really positive person, I treat setbacks as learning curves and I don’t let things beat me. Is this a good thing or a bad thing? Now I’m questioning myself and I don’t really know.
This post might not be making much sense, it really is a bit of a waffle and a jumble but that’s how I’m feeling at the moment. I’ve got lots of questions and feelings spinning round in my head and I’m trying to make sense of things. It’s annoying more than anything. There are a few little things that other people have done that are niggling me, but I can’t let other people’s negative behaviour affect my life. It’s not fair and it’s a waste of my time letting them influence my normal happy thoughts.
I think this is probably partly down to a period of adjustment. Perhaps I am feeling vulnerable because I’ve had a major change in my life recently, ie a new job/change of career. I’ve also stopped going to the gym, which has had a negative impact on me. I’ve put weight on and I don’t feel as fit and as toned as I was before. I’ve been getting home late from work so can’t really be bothered to cook so I’ve been eating crap. I guess that’s not helping either. To be honest I can’t be bothered to go to the gym either but I want to because I know I will feel so much better if I do. It’s just that initial, you know, effort involved in making the decision to go in the first place. I’m also questioning my ability to blog too. I know numbers aren’t all the be all and end all about writing but I’ve only been getting one or two views a day on my blog. So if that’s you – thank you! 🙏. Dear me I’m a bit of a Mrs Glum at the moment aren’t I? Sorry just thought while I’m offloading I might as well add that in too!
I’m happy around happy people but I feel vulnerable in a way that negative people are bringing me down at the moment. So I need to try and keep being over the top positive and chirpy but that’s quite hard when I don’t get it returned. There’s a shedload of other little niggles that I don’t really want to write about on here but I can fully understand how people can spiral down so they get to a point of not being able to bounce back up again.
Anyway, sorry for the negativity. I’m going to post this but it might only stay on a couple of days and then I’ll save it as a private post. It’s just I think, that no matter if you are the most resilient person in the whole world, there are still only so many negative things you can take without it bringing you down a bit.
Somehow I just need to seek that motivation to get back to a healthy way of living and I know it’ll be ok. In fact I am sure I will be ok. I need to give more time to the positive people in my life, the ones who care about me, and not give the negative and unkind ones the time of day if possible. I always treat obstacles as lessons. I get better and stronger at things I struggle with and I have dealt with a lot of “obstacles” in my life so I’m sure things will be better in a few days.